Are you settling?


I don’t have many fears in life, but the fear of being 50 years old and saying ‘what shoulda-woulda-coulda-happen if I did this differently in the past…’ is by far the most terrifying thing I could ever imagine. Lately, I look around me, many of my friends and family seem to be dating or marrying people who from the outside seems like a major red flag syndrome of ‘the settllings’. Now, it may not be my place to judge the state of other people’s relationships, but seriously, some of my friends once aspired to be nurses with kids and a loving husband, now working at a dead end job with a husband whose thought of having a successful wife is threatening to his ego. Or my other friend who is a junior lawyer, and her boyfriend is a broke artist by day and a minimum wage call centre clerk by night. Better yet, one of my friends had aspirations to be a stay home mom with a husband who would be the main provider, there is nothing wrong with that, but then 12 months within their marriage, the husband embarked in a sketchy pyramid scheme that he is convinced is a business, forcing the girl to work at a weird boutique while raising two kids.

I share this, not to look down on my peers or think of myself as better than others, but I am stating facts. When do you know or realize that you have settled? When dating, how blinded do you become to seeing how much sacrifice you will have to make down the line in the future? Now, some people will say things like ‘It is hard but I know it’s meant to be’, how much truth is in that? What is the price to pay for making such choices?

I see a pattern with many people, women especially, who go for relationships that they think they deserve rather than love themselves first. For many, they jump into relationships out of fear for ending up alone, or they see all of their friends dating, they start putting pressure on themselves to get a partner. Some guys, they go for girls who have either achieved more career wise, as a way to pretty much date the ‘trophey wife’ type, or they go for girls that they know are socially less than them (not to be mean), to feel good about themselves. A vicious cycle.

I think it is important to continuously reflect on whether or not you are settling in life, I think about this all the time:
  • When you have to come up with a billion reasons to be grateful for a relationship, job, life choice; rather than naturally being grateful
  • When you have to list the reasons to stay in a marriage, relationship, job, instead of pursuing or taking a risk towards obtaining an end goal that you really want
  • When you fail to believe in yourself; convincing yourself that you are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, you often end up settling for less to make yourself feel better.

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